I have spent a good portion of my life grasping for things to fill this hollow void in my life. Once I spent some time reflecting on this, I started noticing a pretty strong pattern. No matter what or who I was clinging onto, it would always bring a quick sense of relief, followed by a swift fall in to disappointment.
So it has me questioning, what defines me? Where do I truly find my value and worth?
For many years, I used men to try to fill this space. The highs were extremely high and I would feel like all was perfect in my world. But unfortunately, what goes up, must come down. And with every crash, I was left more broken than before. I had unrealistic expectations and put all of my happiness in this one basket. The pressure would cause the entire thing to crumble pretty quickly. I was holding them to a standard that no human could actually ever live up to. There was a pretty strong pattern of men exiting relationships with me feeling like there was something wrong with them. And I would send them packing with a long laundry list of things I felt like they needed to work on.
When men failed me, I moved onto throwing everything into my career. At 23, I fell into a career I didn’t even know existed. My mother had just passed, and I was wandering aimlessly without a clue of how to put one foot in front of the other. I was recruited into the cosmetic industry and found an incredible career where both my right and left brain were stimulated. I was hooked. I excelled very rapidly, and found myself throwing everything into it. Everything was perfect in my world. I remember just breathing it all in and pinching myself that this was actually my life. Then I was part of a company wide restructure that resulted in a lay off when I was 25. The rug was completely ripped out from under me so quickly and my world was completely shattered.
I continued this pattern of grasping a multitude of things and quickly spiraled downwards. On the outside, everything looked great. But inside, my world was completely shattering one disappointment at a time. Something had to give.
“Don’t fall in love with this corrupt world or worship the things it can offer. Those who love its corrupt ways don’t have the Father’s love living within them. All the things the world can offer to you–the allure of pleasure, the passion to have things, and the pompous sense of superiority–do not come from the Father. These are the rotten fruits of this world. This corrupt world is already wasting away, as are its selfish desires. But the person really doing God’s will–that person will never cease to be.” ~1 John 2:15-17
We live in a society that worships possessions, people, and status. We are all too comfortable living in the illusion that “We will be happy when….”. The problem with this is everything in this world will fail us. Whether its today or 20 years down the road. So when we put our entire security and worth into something that is not solid, we are knowingly walking down a path that we know will crumble.
I have come to a place in my life where I hold everything with an open hand. Even the best job that you adore will have its bad days. And it may be a career that God has planned only for a season. And even the most incredible man will let you down. God never expected perfection from him and neither should you.
Planting our feet in the solid ground that God has prepared for us will keep us from sinking every time the storms come. We can enjoy the blessings God gives us, but know that everything in this world is temporary. Learn to flow with the ever changing rhythm God has planned for your life. And know that one day, this entire journey will all make perfect sense. We will see the beautiful picture God has been creating all along.
“For all my wanting, I don’t have anyone by you in heaven. There is nothing on earth that I desire other than you. I admit how broken I am in body and spirit, but God is my strength, and He will be mine forever.” ~Psalm 74:25-26