“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” ~Hebrews 11:6
Please God. That is where I stop. It seems too impossible of a task to accomplish and I worry I will never measure up. It was just another area I knew I was going to have to strive towards and I was honestly too tired to even give it a shot.
I grew up in a home with a mother who loved us more than life itself, but had many demons from her childhood she was constantly battling. She held us and our family to a standard of perfection. She wanted us to be the complete opposite of what she experienced growing up. It was very common for her to sit us down and let us know that she was going to be leaving us and our family. Or she would threaten to kill herself if we did something wrong.
This began my journey of becoming a perfectionist.
I lived for the magical moments where everything was right and she was happy. I would strive to do everything perfect, just to experience another second of that bliss.
But it wasn’t ever going to be enough.
She did eventually leave when I was 14 years old. We did not know where she was for a year. And in this moment, my dad completely shut off. He was heart broken & battling his own wounds, so I strived to do everything right to ease the pain.
But it wasn’t enough.
This became a life long pattern for me. I lived somewhere in between trying to be perfect to make everybody happy and completely burning out and just giving up. I didn’t understand balance. And I certainly didn’t understand grace. I didn’t understand what it felt like to rest in the peace of knowing you are loved no matter what.
This put a huge strain on my relationships with friends, romantic interests, and with Christ. I did not know how to let people just love me without me having to work for it. I was constantly getting frustrated when I did not feel like I was measuring up.
Somewhere around my late 20’s, I finally started understanding the lesson God was trying to teach me all along.
Everything in this world is temporary. And people will let you down because they are human. But God promises to love us no matter what.
I am constantly learning how to ease myself into the grace and peace of knowing that.
We should not aim to please Him to earn His love. We should aim to please Him simply because we love Him. Knowing that no matter what, we do not have to strive to earn anything. He just simply loves us. And we can rest in the comfort of knowing that He simply asks us to have faith in Him. That’s it. No strings attached.
I have a feeling this perfectionist foundation will always be a part of who I am.
But I’m slowly learning to rest in grace.